‘’Take my hand. I’ll hold you.’’ He said with the most loving smile I’ve ever seen painted over his perfect features. I returned a shy smile as I slowly stretched my shivering hand up to him but in the next second, the ground underneath my feet collapsed suddenly and I was continuously falling into pitch darkness. I opened my mouth to scream but no sound was coming out. Until I opened my eyes. I was covered by a thick blanket in the middle of July, beads of sweat dripping down my temples, down to my neck. It was just a nightmare except…it wasn’t. As I fearfully turned my barely opened eyes to the other side of the bed I noticed the unbothered covers and pillow. It sickened me, it made my guts flip inside my body. It was all too true and I was still hoping to wake up soon although the back of my mind screamed at me that I was already awake. Two months passed and I still haven’t grasped the reality of it all. My entire being refused to accept this truth that caged me everywhere I went. People started to move on from it but I couldn’t. I was the only one who was still stuck in the day before it all went down. They avoided talking to me about it. Never mentioned anything, not like I would listen to any words their mouths pushed out. I was stuck in my own made up reality.
I took a deep breath and tried not to stumble on my feet. His glasses and watch were seated on the nightstand and every particle inside me prayed that any second now, I’ll start hearing the sound of the shower and his soft voice humming along to a tune that would most likely be stuck in his mind for the past few days. I held a breath and stood frozen for a minute but no sound of water running and no song. The only thing I could hear was the sound of the little pieces of my heart breaking even more. It was kind of funny actually, I haven’t cried one tear yet. I guess the shock hasn’t worn off yet. Part of me is afraid that it never will. I slowly made my way to the kitchen and packed up a light lunch in hopes that any minute he will come running through the door, laughing that he forgot his lunch again. After an hour, I threw it in the trash can, the same trash can I threw a lunch bag every day for the past two months now. I went into the living room and turned on the TV to the morning news, hoping that any second now he’ll exit the bathroom and sit on the couch to check out the weather forecast. Ten minutes after the pretty lady finished the weather announcements, I turned the TV off. I got dressed and went down to the corner store and bought men toiletries, hoping that tonight he’ll be happy that I replaced the almost empty bottle of aftershave. The lady at the counter gave me a pitiful look and a semi sympathetic smile. I never looked into her eyes. I was afraid that if I look inside someone’s eyes I will finally realize that it really happened.
I didn’t do much after, except waited. I stood on the couch, clutching the phone in my hand until my knuckles turned pale, hoping to hear his ringtone. It was midnight and no call came, only messages from worried people but I ignore those all the time, I have hundreds of unread messages. I guess the only reason they haven’t checked on me now it’s because they can still see the green little dot next to my photo on Facebook that indicates that I’m online. It’s a good enough sign that I’m still breathing. I’m online only because I write him messages, asking him when he’ll be home and what he wants for dinner but I never get a reply, he doesn’t even read my messages.
At half past three a.m. I crawled into bed and glanced to the side hoping to see the outline of his back moving slowly along with his steady breathing but I only saw a neatly placed pillow, no figure and no sound of a steady breath, again, only that piercing sound of my heart constantly shattering. I turned around and glanced at the ceiling. I don’t know if I stared for a minute or two hours because I had no concept of time anymore, I only know that, at one point, I felt something wet down my cheek. I thought it was sweat, caused by the thick blanket that was covering my body but it was a tear, and another, and another… I lost number of them after that and a voice inside my head was whispering. ‘’He’s gone. It’s over.’’ And at that point the unbearable pain of reality crushed my ribs as I clutched at the sheets tightly and poured all my pain out into the open through the burning tears that were too many to count.
I guess that’s what happens when you lose someone so sudden, no closure and no possibility of at least a tender goodbye. You lose your mind for a moment, you refuse the truth and become blind to every piece of proof that shows that they are gone. But in one brief moment of realization you’re overwhelmed with the realness of the situation and all the pain crashes your bones, heart and soul.
He’s really gone.